The Stars Are High And So Am I
Astrology is a thing again — as it has been for thousands of years. We’ll believe there’s a science to it if you believe that there’s a strain for it. Agreed? What weed does your sign want you to smoke? Here it goes!
March 21-April 20
Wonderful: Congratulations! You, darling Ram, are a courageous, confident, enthusiastic, passionate and adventurous person who knows her own self. Not too many of us are!
Weakness: Sure, you might occasionally be impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, and aggressive — but it’s cute on you. No, really. Plus: you know it.
Weed: Get yourself some Gelato #33. Its smooth citrusy flavor is just the start of your sweet venture into Happy Land, where passion and impulsivity are always welcomed..
April 21-May 21
Wonderful: Dear good, kind, reliable, patient, practical, devoted, warmhearted, placid, responsible, stable Bull — please have some more chocolate and allow yourself to lie comfortably back in your satin sheets while we rub your feet and read recipes aloud to you as if they were poems.
Weakness: That stubborn, possessive, and greedy nature is prone to getting chocolate on the satin sheets — but we know you’ll forgive yourself before you reach for another bar.
Weed: Hie thee to Platinum OG Kush and get yourself the relaxed, dreamy relief you deserve. Let the stress go and with it some of that stubborn nature might drift away, too. Nah? OK, we’re not arguing with you.
May 22-June 21
Wonderful: Hey, you two! Being gentle, affectionate, witty, youthful, curious, adaptable, and facile is a twinning formula!
Weakness: Because one of you is often so great, the other one’s nervous, inconsistent, and cunning nature is easier to overlook. #Truth.
Weed: Wonka Bars #13’s sweet, happy strain delivers an uplifting, cerebral euphoria and body buzz that is integrating, allowing you two to be one big hunk of love. (We adore that.)
June 22-July 22
Wonderful: When your pincers are safely put away, Crabs’ tenacious, highly imaginative, emotional, and sympathetic ways are delicious to behold (particularly with drawn butter).
Weakness: But when the claws are in action, everyone had better watch out for the moody, suspicious, clingy, and manipulative methods you employ to crack any hard shell.
Weed: Let euphoria and relaxation rule your rock with Ice Cream Cake #5, featuring sweet vanilla flavors so good you’ll almost want to use the bowl as a house.
July 23-Aug. 21
Wonderful: Rahr! The king of the urban jungle, you’re a creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous, and faithful friend, dear Leo.
Weakness: (Of course, you’re also occasionally arrogant, stubborn, pompous, bossy, and lazy. Just sayin.’ Hey! Close those jaws!)
Weed: Our Orange Diesel 420 Strain is the perfect mood booster for big cats. With bright notes of citrus and a subtle diesel aftertaste, this sweet, heavy sativa will make you instantly forget that we used the word “pompous” when describing you. Oh, and “lazy.” Our bad. Meow.
Aug. 22-Sept. 23
Wonderful: Stop ironing the pillow cases, Virgo! It’s compliment time. Yes, it is. Look at the clock; it’s 4:20. Allow us to say that you’re loyal, analytical, kind, modest, practical, diligent, hardworking, practical. . . did we say “practical”? Good. Thank you for listening.
Weakness: Of course, at 4:21, we might suggest that your shyness, worry, fussing, overly self-critical-all-work-no-play nature can be a bit much — but that’s only because we haven’t done the personal work we need to do to get past our judgement of others and simply get out the ironing board and bedding and get to it. You’re absolutely right.
Weed: Our Grape OG 420 Strain is going to make you calm, focused, and dare we say tingly. Melt away Sunday/Monday/Tuesday/etcday scaries. With notes of lemon and grapes, this strain will ease your pain and anxiety with a relaxing body high and clear-headed focus.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
Wonderful: It’s a balancing act for you, always scaling the walls of justice. On one hand, you’re fabulously cooperative, diplomatic, gracious, urbane, fair-minded, and socially gifted.
Weakness: On the other hand, there are those who whisper you might occasionally be a tad gullible and easily influenced, as well as begrudging, indecisive, massively into confrontation-avoidance, and prone to self-pity. Dude. Some days are just like that. It all balances out, promise!
Weed: You need Punch 47 like yin needs yang to be relaxed, happy, and uplifted. This beautifully balanced hybrid will have you feeling glorious. Until, of course, the pendulum swings the other way. . . .
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
Wonderful: When your tail is tucked and your poison retracted, there is no more resourceful, brave, passionate, stubborn, magnetic, and true friend than you, dear Scorp.
Weakness: But when you hide in our metaphoric shoes, you strike us as distrusting, jealous, secretive, resentful, and frankly — violent. These truths need to be told!
Weed: Darling Scorp, you need a dram of Rozay #1. Ease into the happy dreamy feeling that has no sting. The poison will still be there tomorrow. Guaranteed.
Nov. 23-Dec. 22
Wonderful: A veritable holiday present, Sag embodies the generous, optimistic, and idealistic spirit of the season.
Weakness: We get it: Being half-human, half-horse isn’t easy for anyone. But sometimes Sag overpromises and underdelivers. It behooves one to prance lightly around this archer.
Weed: Get to the mane experience with our 818 Headband 420 Strain and gallop into the uplifting, happy, carefree moment we call “The Headband Effect.” It’ll have you aiming for the stars!
Dec. 23-Jan. 20
Wonderful: A sage and worldly leader, Cap is a responsible and disciplined good manager with a prudent sense of play that we admire and like to promote with matching 401k contributions.
Weakness: Not that we would call you an unforgiving miserly know-it-all — but some professional astrologers might (OK, and have).
Weed: Let it go with a hit of our Blue Dream Haze #1 420 strain. A sativa lover’s dream strain, this blue dream offers the perfect balance of blissed out and focused — and perfect is almost good enough for you.
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Wonderful: As a mystical healer who bestows life upon the land, it’s no wonder that you’re generally progressive, original, independent, honest, and loyal, dear Aquii.
Weakness: Of course, carrying all that water all by yourself can sometimes provoke temperamental controlling feelings of uncompromising aloofness. Of course!
Weed: The Citrix strain will keep your buckets floating and keep you stimulated with its bold citrus flavors. Take a toke and get back to changing the world.
Feb. 20-March 20
Wonderful: Ferocious floaty fish, you’re a compassionate and wise gentle artist who is sometimes empathetic to a fault — but never your fault.
Weakness: Things can get a little fin on the ground if your desires to escape reality and play the martyr begin to scale.
Weed: Swim towards greatness with Cherry Punch, a sweet-tasting hybrid that will lure away your worry and stress and transport you to the idyllic backwater of which you dream.